so this is what it feels like

i have been too afraid to say it. too afraid even to think it.

but today, driving home, thinking of how these lyrics speak of you and all that you are and how incredibly lucky i am to have you in my life - i know.

i know i am fine. i am fine. i am healthy.

the realization came from somewhere. perhaps inside me, perhaps not. but suddenly the words were there filling the space of my small car and begging to be spoken.

i am healthy. after all of this, i am fine.


Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

too many worlds at once

i missed you today.
though i'm not sure you can really miss something you never truly had.
and then it's even more silly to miss something you wouldn't want back.
but if ever there was a day for your arms to hold me up, today would have been a good one.


today is a bad day. today is a brand new day.


he asked if i've ever felt taken care of. i hesitated.
and then i said yes, from you.
i only came up with pathetic examples. but i know it's true.
i've felt that with you.
.

All around the Mulberry Bush, the monkey chased the weasel.

Dr Fudge, Posterior Tibial Tendon Dysfunction
Dr Ichikawa, Dr Saeed, Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome, EMG
Dr Weiss, Transverse Myelitis, Lumbar Puncture, Full Spinal MRI, SSEP, Brain MRI
Physical Therapy, Gabapentin, TENS
Dr Jung, Dr Mayadev, Multiple Sclerosis, VEP, Rehab Consult, Brain Cervical Thoracic MRI
Dr Jung, Sarcoidosis, HTLV, Leukemia, Lymphoma, Spastic Paraparesis, Lyme Disease
Dr Fudge, Dr Ichikawa, Dr Weiss, M Potter, Dr Jung, Dr Mayadev, Dr White

The monkey stopped to pull up his sock...
Pop! goes the weasel.
.

Base isolation

won't worry. nothing is changing until march. move forward in the false knowledge of homeostasis. happy and smiling - enjoying everything on offer with few cares in sight. but of course things change. march is too far away to wrap the comfort of ignorance tightly around, a blanket shielding from the icy gusts. gusts that cut right to the core, shake the new found of serenity so recently found. how to achieve seismic retrofit.

haunted by shadows i can't see. tossing and turning unable to find peaceful reprieve. trying to get away from a bogeyman who's never really there. never there because my bogeyman is the vastness of emptiness. again and again everyone is just more than an arms reach away.

another wet shoulder, it's my own. silk blouse tear stained. searching for another shoulder that can bear this salt water. but my bogeyman takes his place closely by my side, pushing away those that care because the burden is too much to share.
.

board games, card games, video games, computer games

none of them quite right. the game of life is not so much like it's board game. there's little it can teach you about the journey you'll make far too complicated without any real need.

perhaps any of the many forms of solitaire will better teach the patience required and the fact that many times it doesn't work out but at least you had a bit of fun during your mindless distraction. how many times must i outmaneuver you before you finally close the office door and proclaim checkmate. or tug of war, constantly pushing and pulling. never entirely positive of sure footing.

or perhaps you'll continue to allow her to pull you along by a string. the classic pull toy with little control over where you're going or how fast you'll get there. she pulls you along, teetering behind her until finally she carelessly turns to sharply or takes a path too bumpy, sending your teetering self toppling to to your side. one too many times of this and she'll grow bored of righting you only to totter off, find something new to string along in the rough ride that is her wake.

Random thoughts post-travel

I've just come back to reality from the very non-reality of backpacking in Kenya. I'm not quite sure how to approach work - the dread I feel is at least kind of eclipsed by the realization that in this economy I need this job. I'm rather overwhelmed with responsibilities - the scholarship program, Junior League, book club and trying to maintain friendships. Honestly, it's all a bit daunting when all I want to do spectate.

But that's not much fun to think about so lets instead shift to random thoughts on Kenya.

On our last day of safari we were already in the Masai Mara Reserve when the sun came up. Not only was the sunrise beautiful, but seeing and hearing the park wake up was phenomenal. It truly was one of those experiences where you stop and go "wow - I must be one of the luckiest people in the world, to get the opportunity to experience this." Everything from the colors, to the singing birds to the animals playing together was a true testament to the beauty and wonder of nature.

We took the Iron Snake overnight from Nairobi to Mombasa. Our first class sleeper got us two uncomfortable beds, a sink and two meals in the dining car. The dining car still used starched, pressed table linens and real silver silverware, if perhaps a bit mismatched. It was an interesting experience, something you probably can't get anywhere else. However, this throw back to colonialism felt slightly awkward when you looked around and realized that most people sitting were varying shades of white and brown, while the people serving were significantly darker.

The amount of prostitution, both male and female, around Mombasa was quite surprising. I'm sure it happens in other parts of Kenya, but I noticed it most while beaching it north of Mombasa. So many old white people, generally European but probably mostly because they tend to vacation there more than Americans, with attractive younger locals. The men and women lined up at the bars along the beach, sipping their drinks and waiting to start their work day. I'm sure it pays better than the average Kenyan job, but perhaps that's what makes it even more sad.

There's that point at the end of each trip where you're either happy and thankful you went or you think of all the things you regret and wish you could change. I'm thankful I've no significant regrets. I realized yesterday that for the first time in my solo and partnered international travels, I enjoyed my travel companion. Of course we butted heads a few times, but for the first time that I can recall I didn't end my trip dreading the next time I might have to travel with this person again. Perhaps it is irrelevant, but perhaps it says it all.

.

What do the Chinese know that we don't?